'Sex and the single mom'

Dec 2, 2008 at 11:15 AM
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Many people want to know about sex and the single mother; when does she have sex, how does she have sex and with whom does she have sex? I am glad you asked because as a single mother, I am constantly bombarded with those questions and more. Our society is so sexual that sex and money are its two driving forces. So let's talk about sex. Wait a minute! No one wants to address the issue and no one wants to talk about it yet they secretly want to know all about it. Sex is not a subject often tackled in our churches, except for a few brief mentions with sin and its ramifications attached to it. In my culture, it was taboo. So as a mother, I thought I'd change the mode and talk to my daughter about it. I remember this like it was yesterday. About a year ago, seeing that my daughter was growing up fast, I thought it was a good time to talk about sex. "Honey, I need to talk to you about something" is how I started our conversation. "About what mommy?" came her reply. "We need to talk about sex" I continued. "Oh no thank you mom. I'm not ready" she shot in with her quick, almost apologetic response. "I'm still trying to get over where babies came from" she exclaimed. I almost chuckled because if she had let me talk to her about sex, then she would really know where babies come from. So of course I took this as seriously as she was taking it and inquired when she would be ready, to which she replied, "I'll let you know when I'm ready." Go figure! Even my daughter doesn't want to talk about it…we have since had the talk because I refuse to have anyone else be my daughter's information source on a subject of this magnitude. But how big is it? To me it is very simple actually. God created me a sexual being. I celebrate my sexuality and consider myself a very sensual person but in the context of sex and the single mother, I've had to stand my ground many a time. I've had to explain myself many a time and I've had to turn down sex. What? Turning down sex, are you crazy? On the contrary, I am actually very sane. Well, you be the judge.

A friend of mine, who knew about my previous abusive marriage had come by my house to look at a few documents. Since I have a rule that no man comes into my house, we'd agreed to meet outside since our meeting was going to be brief. But then he needed to use the bathroom. I let him in but waited outside. He came out and said that the reason he came over when he could have looked at the documents elsewhere was because he felt sorry for me being single and that he wanted to make me feel good. Now, he didn't say, "I want to have sex with you" but he hugged me and said he wanted to make me feel good. Now you have to understand that this is not a sleazy bloke trying to get his way. This is a genuine, caring, honest, good hearted guy. Did I mention that he is hot? Looking in his eyes, I could tell that he was sincere with his intentions and having known me for a long time, I knew it took everything in him to say that to me. And if I were led by my feelings, I would be answering the "with whom" question right about now. But in this case, he was sincerely wrong. Immediately I knew I had to validate his feelings. I told him that I was flattered that he would want to make me feel good and then proceeded to explain that having sex with him would not just be a sin against God but a sin against my body. As soon as I said that, his eyes were so apologetic I thought he was going to cry. See some Christians think that you have to beat people down with scripture and verse. This non-Christian man understood the enormity of that statement, which goes to show you that God created us with a moral compass. We know right from wrong and we have the ability to choose either one. My body was screaming yes but my spirit had a resounding NO.

A close family member once said to me that he wondered how I could go on for years without sex. He asked me if I think about it and added that it is not normal to go on as I am going on. "Do you think by abstaining from sex you might become a virgin again? He teased. "I serve a miraculous God but I am not delusional. No I don't think I will become a virgin again but I know that God will honor my sacrifice and one day bring me a loving husband with whom I'll enjoy all the sex you think I'm missing out on" came my rebuttal. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about sex. I sometimes do and when that happens I think of all the wonderful things I'll do with my husband when I get married. Then I pray,"Forgive me Father for I have sinned". Just kidding! But women are not wired like men. We don't sit there and think about sex, imagine a guy naked. Eeeeew! That is just not how God made us. We like and enjoy sex, but it is not at the fore front of our minds. I remember a friend of mine telling me how he was so furious with his father because he thought his dad was hurting him mother when he heard groans coming from their bedroom. "Are you okay mommy?" He called out as he tried to pry the door open with his tiny hands. "I'm okay honey. I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming I'm coming" she called out as he desperately stood there still trying to open the door. She finally came to the door and with a big smile told him that dad and her were playing a little game. Of course he now knows what that little game was. As a single mother, apart from being a born again Christian, I never want to have to explain to my daughter why there are groans and moans coming out of my bedroom. When I get married, that will be a different story. It will probably take me awhile to 'come' to the door but at least the groans and the moans will be "a little game" justified. I further told my family member that the reason no man comes to my house unless they are family, repair men, or proven friends, is because you never know how a child processes information and I don't want my child to grow up and ever wonder if any of those men were my boyfriends. This brings me to my no dating rule. I just simply won't date until I know for sure that he is the man reserved for me .When my daughter was little and I was separated, I did go out on a date with the perfect gentleman. I got myself into a situation where something could have happened but thank God nothing happened. Whew! My advice: Never get yourself into a situation where something can happen, then nothing WILL happen. Keep it simple stupid.

Last but not least, one day, I was being crabby and my sister sternly told me that it was because I was not having sex. "All that energy is pent up and you need the exercise anyway my dear Sharline" she said lovingly. "Your 30's are supposed to be marked with your greatest orgasms. That's why they are called the big three 'O's" "No thanks" I shot back "I am crabby because I am getting my period and I prefer to get my exercise doing actual exercises, which exclude kegels." We both burst out laughing. I don't know if we were laughing because I would include kegels in my exercise routine, which I do all the time by the way, or at the absurdity of the whole conversation. Anyway, with all the jokes set aside, sex and the single mother is non-existent in my life and I'm going to keep it that way. I am my daughter's biggest role model and by God she is going to have a damn good one. With teen pregnancies at an all time high, disease and STD's rampant, I reckon those few moments of pleasure or "feeling good" will NOT rob me of a stress-free and disease free life that I intend to enjoy with my daughter, my future husband and my future children, whom we'll enjoy making, hopefully while I'm still in my big orgasmic thirties. And then, I'll be talking about Sex, sex, sex and the married mother. Back to my kegels now…