sharline@vox.com’s blog

Many people want to know about sex and the single mother; when does she have sex, how does she have sex and with whom does she have sex? I am glad you asked because as a single mother, I am constantly bombarded with those questions and more. Our society is so sexual that sex and money are its two driving forces. So let's talk about sex. Wait a minute! No one wants to address the issue and no one wants to talk about it yet they secretly want to know all about it. Sex is not a subject often tackled in our churches, except for a few brief mentions with sin and its ramifications attached to it. In my culture, it was taboo. So as a mother, I thought I'd change the mode and talk to my daughter about it. I remember this like it was yesterday. About a year ago, seeing that my daughter was growing up fast, I thought it was a good time to talk about sex. "Honey, I need to talk to you about something" is how I started our conversation. "About what mommy?" came her reply. "We need to talk about sex" I continued. "Oh no thank you mom. I'm not ready" she shot in with her quick, almost apologetic response. "I'm still trying to get over where babies came from" she exclaimed. I almost chuckled because if she had let me talk to her about sex, then she would really know where babies come from. So of course I took this as seriously as she was taking it and inquired when she would be ready, to which she replied, "I'll let you know when I'm ready." Go figure! Even my daughter doesn't want to talk about it…we have since had the talk because I refuse to have anyone else be my daughter's information source on a subject of this magnitude. But how big is it? To me it is very simple actually. God created me a sexual being. I celebrate my sexuality and consider myself a very sensual person but in the context of sex and the single mother, I've had to stand my ground many a time. I've had to explain myself many a time and I've had to turn down sex. What? Turning down sex, are you crazy? On the contrary, I am actually very sane.  Well, you be the judge.

 A friend of mine, who knew about my previous abusive marriage had come by my house to look at a few documents. Since I have a rule that no man comes into my house, we'd agreed to meet outside since our meeting was going to be brief. But then he needed to use the bathroom. I let him in but waited outside. He came out and said that the reason he came over when he could have looked at the documents elsewhere was because he felt sorry for me being single and that he wanted to make me feel good. Now, he didn't say, "I want to have sex with you" but he hugged me and said he wanted to make me feel good. Now you have to understand that this is not a sleazy bloke trying to get his way. This is a genuine, caring, honest, good hearted guy. Did I mention that he is hot? Looking in his eyes, I could tell that he was sincere with his intentions and having known me for a long time, I knew it took everything in him to say that to me. And if I were led by my feelings, I would be answering the "with whom" question right about now. But in this case, he was sincerely wrong. Immediately I knew I had to validate his feelings. I told him that I was flattered that he would want to make me feel good and then proceeded to explain that having sex with him would not just be a sin against God but a sin against my body. As soon as I said that, his eyes were so apologetic I thought he was going to cry. See some Christians think that you have to beat people down with scripture and verse. This non-Christian man understood the enormity of that statement, which goes to show you that God created us with a moral compass. We know right from wrong and we have the ability to choose either one. My body was screaming yes but my spirit had a resounding NO.

 A close family member once said to me that he wondered how I could go on for years without sex. He asked me if I think about it and added that it is not normal to go on as I am going on. "Do you think by abstaining from sex you might become a virgin again? He teased. "I serve a miraculous God but I am not delusional. No I don't think I will become a virgin again but I know that God will honor my sacrifice and one day bring me a loving husband with whom I'll enjoy all the sex you think I'm missing out on" came my rebuttal. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about sex. I sometimes do and when that happens I think of all the wonderful things I'll do with my husband when I get married. Then I pray,"Forgive me Father for I have sinned". Just kidding! But women are not wired like men. We don't sit there and think about sex, imagine a guy naked. Eeeeew! That is just not how God made us. We like and enjoy sex, but it is not at the fore front of our minds. I remember a friend of mine telling me how he was so furious with his father because he thought his dad was hurting him mother when he heard groans coming from their bedroom. "Are you okay mommy?" He called out as he tried to pry the door open with his tiny hands. "I'm okay honey. I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming I'm coming" she called out as he desperately stood there still trying to open the door. She finally came to the door and with a big smile told him that dad and her were playing a little game. Of course he now knows what that little game was.  As a single mother, apart from being a born again Christian, I never want to have to explain to my daughter why there are groans and moans coming out of my bedroom. When I get married, that will be a different story. It will probably take me awhile to 'come' to the door but at least the groans and the moans will be "a little game" justified. I further told my family member that the reason no man comes to my house unless they are family, repair men, or proven friends, is because you never know how a child processes information and I don't want my child to grow up and ever wonder if any of those men were my boyfriends.  This brings me to my no dating rule. I just simply won't date until I know for sure that he is the man reserved for me .When my daughter was little and I was separated, I did go out on a date with the perfect gentleman. I got myself into a situation where something could have happened but thank God nothing happened. Whew! My advice: Never get yourself into a situation where something can happen, then nothing WILL happen. Keep it simple stupid.

 Last but not least, one day, I was being crabby and my sister sternly told me that it was because I was not having sex. "All that energy is pent up and you need the exercise anyway my dear Sharline" she said lovingly. "Your 30's are supposed to be marked with your greatest orgasms. That's why they are called the big three 'O's" "No thanks" I shot back "I am crabby because I am getting my period and I prefer to get my exercise doing actual exercises, which exclude kegels."  We both burst out laughing. I don't know if we were laughing because I would include kegels in my exercise routine, which I do all the time by the way, or at the absurdity of the whole conversation. Anyway, with all the jokes set aside, sex and the single mother is non-existent in my life and I'm going to keep it that way. I am my daughter's biggest role model and by God she is going to have a damn good one.  With teen pregnancies at an all time high, disease and STD's rampant, I reckon those few moments of pleasure or "feeling good" will NOT rob me of a stress-free and disease free life that I intend to enjoy with my daughter, my future husband and my future children, whom we'll enjoy making, hopefully while I'm still in my big orgasmic thirties.  And then, I'll be talking about Sex, sex, sex and the married mother. Back to my kegels now…

Food for thought: 

1Peter 3:3-6 (Amplified)   

Song of Solomon 5:10-16, 5:5 (Amplified)

Romans 6:12-16 (Amplified)

Despite your political views, supporting our troops all over the world should not be a political issue. It should be a human rights issue. Whether or not you support the war and our causes all over the world, our men and women are stationed overseas fighting for your right to agree or disagree with the war.  In support of our troops, we set up a table awhile back and collected money to send care packages to our troops. Over two days, my daughter and I collected $265.00. I then wrote to areas banks asking them to add to our collection. I received a letter from Watertown Savings Bank stating that they do not give money to individuals. It was a no from bank Of America and area stores like CVS and Target. I recently learned that if my community were a non profit organization, then the sky would be the limit to their support. I have researched starting a nonprofit organization but the amount of work that goes into it, would have to take a few community members to pull off. But since my neighbors are not inclined to join me on this endeavour, I think it would be too much work for me just to get donations. I also believe in a reasonable amount of progress in a reasonable amount of time. I am going shopping with the $265.00 and the lucky soldiers receiving the care package are a Major stationed in PRT, Farah whom we know and his fellow soldiers.

Below is relica of our original set up.

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I didn't know what to expect when I walked into my neighbor's home. The first feeling that gripped me was that of utter fear. "What if I can't help her. Lord! What have I gotten myself into?" But I was pleasantly surprised that despite the fact that she is a hoarder, there is light, fresh air and living space left in her home. She is very clean so for me there was an immediate disconnect. I kept wondering how a person who has a cleaning lady is unable to throw away stuff. She explained that she simply cannot throw away anything. She must have noticed the puzzled look on my face. As we went through the house, there were neat piles everywhere. The finished basement had piles of anything and  everything you can think of. Beautiful household items that has bought and collected over the years. The hallways had beautiful artwork by none other but her. I was very impressed. She is very talented. Her children's rooms had more stuff. Her children are grown and have moved out since, which gives her more room to collect things. When the tour was over, she asked me if I was still up to it and with great enthusiasm, I said yes. The ball is in her court. I am waiting on a date to embark on what I believe is going to be a remarkable journey of not just de-cluttering a house but building a friendship and making a difference in someone's life. Thats what life should be all about. She is so lovely, so sincere, and so welcoming that it is my pleasure to do this. I have no doubt in my mind that she would do the same for me. By the way, don't let her age fool you. She is extremely active, voluteers and is involved in so many activities that you wouldn't know she is 68. I have actually started riding my bike to keep up with her. She is a force to be reckoned with but I am up for the challenge :)

As we celebrate our mothers and rightly so, nothing however, compares to the feeling you get when your own child looks you teary eyed in the face and says, "You are the best mom I could ever have." I have the best kid in the world. To all the mothers out there who do not see the fruit of your labor, keep at it and you will reap your reward in the moments that no one else notices but you. Moments when your child writes you a poem or a letter from their heart that tugs at the core of your heart, when they wink at you from across a crowded room to let you know you are the apple of their eye and they run off to play, when they call you the best "cooker" in the world and then help you with the dishes without you asking or moments spent in total silence but each of you recognizing that it is not so much the words spoken but the love shared that matters. Happy Mothers' Day!

Tea with my neighbor had been 'brewing' for quite awhile. For those of you who followed my Clean Start challenge, you will remember a neighbor who was thrilled that I reached out to her, but before she could enlist my good services, she wanted to get to know me and my daughter over tea and crumpets.
So a week ago today, after picking up my daughter from school, we rushed to get those last minutes tidbits and hurried home to welcome our guest. I was so nervous because I was throwing a tea party without a tea pot. I know what you are thinking... my grandmother and my mother would be flabbergasted and find it quite appalling as well. They would probably say..."Have we taught you child nothing?" Here is my dilemma. I grew up with a mother who knew how to throw a tea party like you had never had one before. She didn't lift a finger because we had three cooks, the English china was so beautiful that I thought it had been made just for her, and here I was in my apartment with no tea pot. My motto is: It is either the best or nothing at all.
I apologised for my nontraditional tea but we were so ecstatic over meeting each other that my tea pot worries vanished in the moment.
My neighbor is a 68 year old married woman with two children. She has lived in Watertown for 36 years, 30 of which have been in my neighborhood. The adage: Age is just a number, holds true in her case. She is vibrant, witty, energetic, adventurous, funny and a joy to be around. We talked about our lives, our families and brainstormed about the launch of a neighborhood committee and upcoming block party. We covered a lot of ground and knew that we were off to a great start. She took interest in my daughter's studies and marveled at her maturity, eloquence and poise. What touched me the most about their interaction was her encouragement of my daughter's dream of becoming a doctor.
When the evening wound down, she informed me that she doesn't normally have people over her house but since she had met such "wonderful and gracious neighbors," I was welcome into her home. "I would never have told anyone about this but after watching an Oprah show about the lives of hoarders, I realised that I am a hoarder. So when you reached out to me, I felt that for the first time, I could share this with someone" was an earlier confession of hers.
Our next task is to de-clutter her home. 
As I walked her home, I couldn't help but smile at the thought that our tea party had evolved into a kinship of sorts. It transcended cultural, racial and religious divides. She is Caucasian and Jewish. I am African and a born again Christian. Never under estimate what something as small as tea can do to make a difference in someone's life. So, the next time you bump into your neighbor, you might want to say, "Hey Neighbor! Lets have tea."  

The Red Cross won't comment on possibly contaminated blood pints that were supposed to have been recalled between 2003-2006, reports CNN News. There is no way of knowing if that blood was discarded or given to people in need of it. Copy and paste the link below onto your browser to read the entire story.  http://www.cnsnews.com/ViewNation.asp ?Page=/Nation/archive/200803/NAT20080326b.html
And this is not the first time you would read about the Red Cross and its mishaps to put it lightly. But unfortunately, we are not taking about the wrong size needles or huge band aids. We are talking about life and death when some innocent patient gets infused with blood containing HIV, CJD, Hepatitis A, B or C. It really is a 'bloody mess.' So last Monday when I went in to donate blood for the second time, I was a little apprehensive about the whole thing. In fact, versus the last time I made it a community effort, I didn't feel right about publicizing this blood drive until I was absolutely sure that the process was safe and that there was no way one's health could be compromised by giving life (blood).
So this time, I asked the volunteer to take me through the whole process. I asked as many questions as I could possibly think of. The volunteer, a lovely young lady, assured me that all the pints, the tubes attached to the pints and the needles are made brand new, exclusively for the American Red Cross. She went on to explain  that the donor's arm is sanitized extensively before injected and that the workers constantly change their gloves eliminating all possible contamination.
I sighed with relief after getting  a better understanding of the process. She had no comment however, on the article above and I don't blame her. She proceeded to ask me all the questions she is mandated to ask to determine my eligibility to donate blood. Now I always get tickled when it comes to the SEX questions. They go something like this: "In the past twelve months, have you had sex with anyone who has the HIV virus... In the past  twelve months have you been in contact with someone with hepatitis A, B or C?" To which I answer, "I will save you the time. I haven't had sex in over ten years so please feel free to tick 'no' on all those." With a look of utter shock she informed me that she has to ask them anyway. At least she didn't offer to pray for me like the volunteer before. When I informed her that I was celibate, she let out a sympathetic laugh and said, "girl I will be praying for you." Go figure!
Anyway, I can now post flyer's through out my community letting my neighbors know that it is safe to give blood to the American Red Cross. When I say, "Hey Neighbor ! Let's Build A Community by giving life" It will be with much conviction and confidence that their blood won't get messed up.

What kinds of stories are deemed newsworthy by the media? "I wonder." Are they stories on murder, drugs, violence, war? Well, when I wanted other neighborhoods to adopt my idea of building a community where they live, I thought, "What better place to start than the my local media?" So I  wrote ABC's affiliate WCVB, CBS's affiliate WBZ, NBC's affiliate WHDH and last but not least, FOX NEWS, about our community.  Here's a copy of one of my letters:
  

This week marks the end of SC Johnson's Clean Start Challenge on MyLifetimeTV.com. I am glad to have been a part of it. Even though I have always wanted a community, I never thought I would go out of my comfort zone and build one. I have taken ownership of this because I really believe that is it imperative that we connect with each other and create an environment where we feel safe, loved, cared for, supported and important.

I met with an old business associate to find out how to build a website. I could have met with anyone but I love the simplicity of his website( www.brilliantmove.net ) and want our community website to be simple, user friendly, interactive and posses a sense of community. I learned so much i.e. you can't incorporate flash with html because most search engines don't recognize html. At this point, my head was spinning. I realized that I am going to have to spend some money to get what I want. When it came to domain names, HeyNeighbor.com, HeyNeighbor.net, HeyNeighbor.org and HeyNeighbor.us were all taken. Unbelievable!

Watertown Savings Bank is still to make a decision about their contribution to our troops. I wrote to CVS's corporate office and still awaiting an answer from them too. Wow! This is not easy. It is a lot of work but I am looking at he end. See, you need to determine your end from the beginning or else you can easily be thrown off course.

My book club, Hey Neighbor Let's Read Together, met again. It is every fortnight but with the flu and all, it seems as though we haven't met in a long time. I had two ladies come over and the book we are reading is "Woman Thou Art Loosed" by T.D.Jakes. It encompasses everything that relates to healing the wounds of the past. No one can grab a hold of their future while still holding onto their past. I am so glad to be a part of the healing and transformation of these ladies' lives. I will continue to send out an invite to all the ladies in my community, especially those whose email and phone number are in my community database.

As for me, cleaning is a joy. So, when I cleaned a neighbor's apartment, I couldn't be happier that someone took me up on my offer to clean their home for free. Yes! some people call me nuts to even offer but I beg to differ. "Nuts" is us going on without helping and caring for each other.  I showed up at her door with three assistants, Pledge, Windex and Scrubbing Bubbles." I slipped on my rubber gloves and got to work. We talked, we laughed and really bonded. I showed her cleaning tips and tricks to make her home appear like she labored for hours cleaning. We was amazed by the whole experience and what got her the most was finding out the "million and one things" Windex alone can do. I used it on the stove, the knobs on the stove, sinks, mirrors, and glass just to name a few. At the end, she was so grateful and offered to volunteer if I go cleaning any other homes in our community. So in an hour, I not only gained a volunteer but made a friend. It was that easy.

My week ended by picking up all the trash that the wind had blown all over my neighborhood and just saying hello to people. "Everyone has the power for greatness—not for fame, but greatness, because greatness is determined by service" Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

Set Back...
My neighbor the high school student who was going to build our community website is unable to do so. Not so long ago, I met with her web design teacher in hope that her whole class would build our website as she had suggested. The teacher had informed me that since every student has their big project, this would be hers, to which she agreed. But I received an email from her saying that there must have been some miscommunication because she was under the impression that her teacher would build it and she would help him. She is a smart young lady and even though she is unable to build the website, I am thrilled that she is still involved in building our community and available to help.

More Money...
Two of my neighbors knocked on my door to give me their donation to our troops and that got me thinking of involving the whole town, as a few of my neighbors had previously suggested.
I asked our local CVS manager if we could set up our table in front of the store to collect more money for our troops. He agreed to it and we set up our table with our army stuff. We promised not to solicit but only tell people what we were doing if they approached our table. This Saturday was very breezy, we almost lost a picture. (you'll see what I mean when I post a replica of our set-up) The response was divided there as well; some were for the war and some were against it. Many people came by and gave their money but asked if we were legitimate. I told them that we were being sponsored by Lifetime TV and SC Johnson, A Family Company, to build a community where we live and raising money for our troops was one activity we were doing as a community. At the end of the day, one of the managers, Bob, signed off on the entire collection. He helped us count the money and  accounted that we had altogether collected $262.81.

Connecting...
I emailed and called my neighbors in my database to keep them abreast of upcoming events, what is happening with Hey Neighbor, Let's Build A Community. I got a few calls and emails back with people's interests and suggestions on what to do as a community. My favorite was one who wants our community to visit the elderly. I am working on that and I'll keep you updated.

Family...
My daughter continues to inspire me. We recently went to the pediatrician for her annual check up and she is excellent health but also growing up rapidly. She is five feet one inch tall. I told her that my heels are just going to have to get taller, to which she teasingly replied, "In that case mom, we going to have to get you stilts." I can't help but marvel at the woman she is becoming. Where have the years gone?

This week, I thought our community would come together to rally behind our troops and support them by raising money to send care packages to them. I called a friend of ours who I knew would have some army memorabilia and boy, did he have stuff for us.

My daughter and I drove to Wilmington to pick up the stuff and couldn’t wait to set it up and begin raising money.  It was really cold outside so we decided to wear our snow pants, thick sweaters and hats.  We had a sign up sheet with: Name, Email address and Amount Given columns for people to fill out.

The response was divided. Some people gave us money but made mention that they are not in support of the war. Others gave us money and thanked us for what we were doing. One neighbor approached us and said, “Well I don’t support the war. I believe if we keep giving them money, they’ll stay there but if we don’t send them anything, they’ll come home”. I explained to him that we were in no way making a political statement but were out there in support of our troops because they are fighting for our freedom to agree or disagree with the war.

At the end of the day, I thought I’d ask Watertown Police to be our accountability partner and point us in the right direction to accomplish our goal. See when people give you their money you need to be accountable to someone. But I was shocked at the police’s response. The officer asked me why I wanted them involved. He proceeded to tell me that they have their own programs and in the meantime, I tried injecting my purpose for the call but he wouldn’t hear of it. He smugly told me that if I wanted to send money to our soldiers, I should go to the post office.  Well, Edna and Brian were the last two donors and they were our accountability partners. We had collected $ 115 and were exhausted.

 My heart goes out to every mother who has lost a son or a daughter. To every dad who will never go fishing with his son again. To every wife that goes to bed crying. To every husband who holds a picture instead of his wife. To every child who asks, “Mommy when is daddy coming home?” To every child who asks, Daddy, “When is mommy coming home to make dinner?" To every American who holds a flag in place of a loved one. I salute you and thank you from a mother’s heart for your sacrifice.

As a nation we don’t say thank you enough. My daughter and I have resolved to say thank you every time we see a man or woman in uniform. We pray for God's protection over them in every foreign land. We pray for God's provision for their families left behind. And for a speedy return home, safe from the terrors of war.  We support our troops.  SUPPORT OUR TROOPS.